In a
trial, a Southern
small town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand -- a
grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, " Mrs.
Jones, do you know me ? " She responded, " Why, yes I do know you, Mr.
Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've
been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " The lawyer was
stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
" Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney ? " She again replied, " Why
yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women -- one of
them was your wife. Yes, I know him. " The defense attorney almost died. The
judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said, " If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll
throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
Guy walks out of the restroom... Girl says: "Sir your garage door is open... Guy asks: "Did
you see my Harley"... Girl says: "No, I saw a mini bike with two flat
tires".
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
Adam and Eve were the first ones to ignore Apple's terms and conditions.
Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake, and the snake didn't have a leg to stand on.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves ?
They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late.
Tech Support:
"I need you to
right-click
on the Open Desktop."
Customer:
"Ok."
Tech Support:
"Did you get a pop-up
menu
?"
Customer:
"No."
Tech Support:
"Ok. Right click again. Do you see a
pop-up menu
?"
Customer:
"No."
Tech Support:
"Ok, sir. Can you tell me what
you have done up until this point
?"
Customer:
"Sure,
you told me to
write
"click"
and I wrote "click".
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl
Alt Delete' and start all over ?
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:
Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED, but there is:
When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are
FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED
!
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my
alarm clock keeps trying to break us up. I keep calm and turn it off and on again !
Every morning you have two choices: continue to sleep with your dreams, or wake up and chase them.
Man has his will; woman has her way. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man !
When a man makes more money, he feels like he wants
more women; but when a woman makes more money, she feels like she doesn't
need a man.
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men
marry women hoping they will not. Having a wife is part of living, but living with wife is the art of living.
No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing. The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.
Laughing at our own mistakes can lengthen our own life; laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my
credit cards.
A thief stole my wife's credit card. But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
A thief broke into my house last night….. He
started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive. If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid.
When you learn how much you're worth, don't settle for average. You'll stop giving people discounts. And make sure to add tax.
Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. I may be wrong, but it's highly unlikely.
When nothing goes right... goes left. The right thing with the wrong motive, is the wrong thing. Give your hands to serve and your hearts to love.
10 years ago we had Steve
Jobs, Bob
Hope, and Johnny
Cash. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope, and no
Cash .....
They say with age comes wisdom. Therefore, I don't have wrinkles. I have wise cracks.
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.
Life is trying things to see if they work. If I am ever on life support, unplug me... Then plug me back in. See if that works ?
They say, "Don't try this at home". So I am coming over to your house to try it.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never frequent beauty shops that don’t have mirrors. They have something to hide.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of
all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
The optimist invents the airplane; the
pessimist invents the parachute.
The journey is never ending. It's never too late to reinvent yourself. Life
is constantly changing. Dreams don't have an expiration. It is never too late to be what you might have been.
Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. Laugh while you still have teeth. Don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
As we get older, three things happen. The first is our
memory goes, and we can’t remember the
other two.
Life is short and so am I. If you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. If you can't laught at yourself, call me... I will laugh at you.
People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.
Don't get me started, I don't come with brakes.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. I try not to laugh at my own jokes but you all know I'm hilarious. If you don't laugh at my jokes then I will. You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.
Time is money, I cannot afford to waste my time. If you still can't laugh then give me back my money.
Going to a country where you don't speak the language is like wading into the sea when you can't swim. As soon as we start putting our thoughts into words and sentences, everything gets distorted.
We all laugh in the same language. Laughter is the measurement of happiness. Love is the
carrier of laughter. Laughter makes you young. Love makes you beautiful.
Laughter helps us stay mentally healthy and improves the quality
of life. Always find a reason to laugh. It may not add years
to your life, but it will surely add life to your years. Laughter
and smiles are inherent to humans. Animals have no function of
laughing or committing suicide; only human beings know this function ? Laughter is an amazing ability that God gave us all. Determined to live life with flair and laughter.
Laughter is a very special gift. Laughing helps us cope with the
sadness of life. The belly laugh is the best way to evacuate the anguish.
A laugh a day keeps the doctor away? Do not let a day go by without laughing; it is good for your health. Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. Laugh a lot, it burns a lot of calories. Laughter makes the soul sparkle. Sometimes we laugh by remembering the days we cried. And we cry by remembering the days we laughed. Spend time with people who make you laugh. The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. Laughter has a great way of bringing different people together. Draws people closer to each other. Laughter can even unite people during difficult times.
Life' is a choice. It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. When life is getting you down, and all you need is a laugh. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble. You won't have anything to laugh at when you're old. A smile is the beginning of laughter, and laughter is the feeling of being happy, which we all need every day. Laughing and smiling releases happy hormones like endorphins, helping you balance the chaotic, negative emotions you get, reduce your stress and unwind after a difficult day. Laughter is what makes a home warm, and what makes a work place human. A smile makes you happy; it makes others happy. Friends are for sharing laughter and wiping tears. Find the friend that makes you smile; humor and laughter are one of the quickest escape routes out of states of anxiety and stress.
Laughter is a powerful reliever of stress, and can be a great healer. We have to be very careful that it is used appropriately and not at the expense of others. A day without laughter is a day wasted. Everyone can have a new beginning. That is why we have tomorrows. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. Every day you spend without a smile, is a lost day. The most wasted of all days is one without laughter ! Live for today and let tomorrow come later. Laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
Your life is precious. Live as you want to live but do not forget to laugh and dance in between.
